Ten Tips for Staying Together in a Second Marriage: Even with Kids, Complications and Baggage

I am writing this hub in a response to a question asking for tips on staying together in a second marriage. I imagine this question was asked because sometimes staying together in a second marriage seems impossible! There are so many factors at work to complicate your life that it may not even seem worth bothering.

In fact, over 25% of marriages don't make it the second time around, and it's easy to figure out why. First, there is the other spouse hanging around, even if it's just in memory, and the knowledge that your husband or wife has already gone down this path with someone else. Second marriages often have children around, from the first marriage(s), and money must often be divided with another household.

Second marriages are difficult, and I am offering some tips on how to make second marriages. Like taking fruit off a tree, pick and choose what suits you, and feel free to leave the rest. If anything helps, I will feel happy to have passed it along.

This applies to both of you. You have to let go of what happened in your first marriage or previous relationships. And you have to let go of worrying about what happened in your spouse's marriage.

How? Sometimes it might mean talking about it. Maybe to your spouse, maybe just to a friend. But don't talk about it, with the intent of just re-hashing and complaining. Talk about it, with the intention of letting it go.

You might want to write about it, in a journal, or in poetry. This is an excellent way to work through your feelings, and no one has to see it. If you're worried about snoopy eyes, burn it. One thing that i used to do was write on the computer, but put a password on the document, so I was confident that no one would be able to read it.

One of the biggest keys to letting go is forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive your spouse. Forgive your ex's spouse. It is in the past, and any bitterness you still have will poison you in the present. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you approve, simply that you refuse to be controlled by it anymore.

So, let go of the past, and you can start creating better tomorrows in your second marriage.

Put your spouse before anyone else in your life, before any other people, including the children. If you are a believer, put God first, and your spouse second.

Some people may have trouble with this advice, thinking that it's not right to put the second wife or husband before the children, but it is the best way to achieve long-term stability for both the marriage and the children. When they see the marriage working, they can rest easy knowing they don't have to go through yet another divorce and upset of their world. They've already had enough of that!

How do you put your partner first? By always asking them about plans that concern one of you. By making sure that you have time for them within your week. By not allowing anyone (including your children) to disrespect them, and by generally giving them priority in your life.

What does putting your spouse first do for the relationship? It honours the fact that this person has chosen you above all the other human beings on the earth, to spend their time with. And it gives them the security to keep going in a difficult relationship.

Putting anyone else before your spouse, whether it be children, ex-spouses, in-laws, or friends, sends the message that they are not important, and will always be "second." Being a "second wife," should not mean being second in importance, and if that message is conveyed, it can lead to a multitude of negative emotions.

Putting a spouse first does not mean putting children last. The children's needs are of utmost important, and everyone's needs within a family need to be considered. But children should not be allowed to use the second marriage to demand things that are not appropriate for them as children, just because their natural parent feels guilty.

An excellent rule-of-thumb is to give children as much leeway as you would in a first marriage. Don't try to compensate because you feel guilty for the divorce.

So, putting your spouse first is important in making second marriages work.

Remember that it won't be perfect overnight.  Statistics say that it takes seven years for a stepfamily to adjust fully. So, don't expect it to all be blissful in month, or even in a year.

There are a multitude of issues to work out with any new marriage: finances, household chores, lovemaking, personal independence ... these are some of them. Second marriages also add ex-spouses, custody issues and hurt from a breakup to the mix. These things take time, and that's okay!

It's not going to happen all at once, but be happy if you're learning. Be patient with yourself and your spouse. 

You need to meet each others needs, as much as you can. This isn't always easy, and not always possible, with all the commitments you probably are involved with (kids, work, housework, family and anything else,) but it needs to be a priority.

What are his or her needs? You need to be able to figure that out, and make an effort at meeting those needs a good percentage of the time. There is some literature out there on this topic, if you want to study this in-depth. The book, "His Needs, Her Needs" is excellent at explaining these needs, and why it is important to meet them. Or you can simply ask him: what's important to you? What do you want me to do for you?

Men tend to need respect and sex. Women tend to need love and affection. Other needs will vary according to each individual, but the important thing is to take the time to meet those needs, and to not take your spouse for granted. We are called on this earth to meet our spouse's needs and no one else can do that!

With kids and stepkids and trying to adjust to a new life, it's often hard to find time to just talk and spend time together, but you need to. My husband works shift work, and when I was teaching, it was very hard to find time together. Now, we just find it here and there. Sometimes, it's an hour of coffee talk in the morning. Other times, it's a few minutes right before we go to sleep.

Ideally, couples should go out on a date once a week, but sometimes you just cannot do it. So, grab a few minutes together, during these busy times. This will help to strengthen your second marriage, and help you to stay together.

This ain't no Brady Bunch, and this ain't no fairytale. This was something I had to come to terms with, as a perpetual idealist. Being in a second marriage is not the ideal. Period. It will never ill be.

As little girls, none of us go to sleep dreaming about being someone's second wife. No, it's always us falling in love with a wonderful man, getting married, and having kids. A second wife, someone else's kids, and a divorce settlement were never in our dreams.

This is not meant to be depressing, but real. It is not ideal, and that's okay. It's reality, and it can be good, as long we let go of that other ideal that we had. Sometimes dreams can be bondages, if they stop us from accepting reality.

We might have dreamt about something different, but God allowed this. And now we can take the broken pieces and see what can be woven out of it. You may have seen a mosaic art piece. It is created by putting together hundreds of little broken pieces from what was once whole. Now, if the artist was to keep yearning after the tiles, or vases that were once whole, he could never concentrate on the new mosaic art piece forming in front of him. So, it is with our lives in second marriages. We need to let go of the ideal, and embrace the real.

Say "I love you" at least once a day. Preferably a lot more. There's something about saying those words that reminds both of you that you love each other, in spite of the challenges and the complications. My husband say it to each other, whenever we leave the house, whenever we go to sleep, and many times in between. I think it has helped our marriage to get stronger because it is a constant reinforcement of our commitment to each other. It helps even when we have a tiff, and don't want to say it. It helps bring us back to the love we have for each other.

Having something you can do together makes it easier to be a couple. We have cats. For the first year and a half, my husband didn't care for the cats. He was finally won over, and now the cats are something that we love together, that we talk about together. You need to have things in your life that you share besides grocery shopping, bills and the bedroom. Maybe it might be a project that you take on together in the community, or a game that you play on the computer. As long as you have things that draw you together.

Second marriages have built-in separation (kid that only belong to one of you, ex-partners, separate financial history and so on). Therefore, things that bring together are especially important!

The next point is going to sound like the opposite of the last one, but it's really not. It is both important to do things together, and have things you do on your own.

Why is it important to do things on your own? It is because you will need an outlet for the inevitable conflicts and problems that come up. This is critical! You need to have things in your life that are separate from being a wife, or a husband, and are just "you." Whether it's going jogging, separate friends, a computer game, or knitting, just keep your identity! This is critical and part of any healthy relationship.

Being "you' will help you navigate the difficult times, because you will know that you are a valuable person, regardless of what is happening in your marriage. They will remind you of your identity, before you became a wife, or a husband. And this is important in staying together in a second marriage.

Make some new friends, friends who didn't know the exes, and don't know you or your spouse before.Friends that will not compare this marriage to the first marriage, or act like they have secrets from you, regarding the first spouse.

You might make new friends by joining a new church, or a social group, or just by meeting people in your daily life, and reaching out.

I'm not suggesting that you dump the old friends. Not at all. old friends help keep you focused, and keep your perspective, but old friends are always friends of one or the other of the spouses, and therefore it's not equal. New friends have known both of you an equal amount of time, making for a more equitable friendship.

These are some tips for staying together in a second marriage. I hope it helps. Second marriages are far from easy, but can be beautiful, too. Like anything good, they require a lot of effort.

My husband and I have been married for two and a half years. We met several years after the both of us had divorced. For the first two years, our marriage was a nightmare in many ways. We couldn't get past all of our hurts and we couldn't get along. This article is written from experience, of someone who has been through the struggles, and is still working through them. Now, we are learning to love each other, and make it work. I no longer dream of divorce, and look forward to a future with my wonderful husband. I believe it is possible for others to be happy in their second marriage, too.